TWO THINGS EFFECTIVE PARENTS CONSTANTLY DO

On the podcast “What in the Shibal?!” with Soogia and Ed Choi, Choi shared a fascinating childhood story about his mother’s ingenious methods to prevent him from watching television while she was working. The rule was simple: no TV when his mother wasn’t home. 

Choi would push the limits, watching until the very last moment before her return. His mother, however, had devised clever ways to catch him, from positioning the remote to logging volume and channel changes. When she finally cut the cord to the TV in frustration, he secretly bought a replacement cord from the hardware store. While the extreme measures may seem surprising, my focus is not on the extremes but rather on the underlying lessons within the story.

As a parent, I can’t help but consider the reasons behind his mother’s desire to limit his screen time. Even before screens became ubiquitous, parents recognized that excessive screen time was not conducive to a child’s well-being. So, while I empathize with his mother’s intent to protect and provide what’s best for her child, I question the effectiveness of her approach.

Merely setting limits without explaining how they align with our values sets us up for potential failure. Years ago, as a high school counselor, I complimented a parent on her incredible child, and she imparted a valuable parenting perspective; she said, “I’m raising them [her children] to leave me.”

Although my daughter was young at the time, those words have greatly influenced my parenting style. I realized that I’m not simply raising a child but nurturing an adult. Eventually, our children will venture into the world, and our ability to enforce rules and boundaries will diminish. As parents, we are responsible for instilling values in our children, shaping them into individuals who act according to the principles we’ve imparted, even when we are not present.

We may all know someone who went “wild” once they gained independence from their parents. Authoritarian parents often enforce strict rules and expect unquestioning obedience. It is important to recognize that forced compliance is temporary and does not withstand the temptations of life. 

So, what is the key to raising responsible adults who are ready to face the world with resilience and integrity?

#1 Express Values

We consciously and unconsciously express our values through the way we live. When children see us putting away the shopping cart, wearing our seatbelts, being kind to the server, and reading books instead of watching television–they see us living our values. 

When we set rules for our children, we want them to understand the rationale behind our choices, so we might say, especially with young children, “I’m wearing my seatbelt to keep my body safe.” or “I’m reading a book to grow my brain.” For older children, we might have more explicit conversations about our values that allow them to reflect on what they perceive as important and valuable to them.  

As humans, our actions often align with our values. We create narratives about who we are and behave accordingly, following the mantra of “people like us do things like this.” If we want our children to grow into the individuals we envision, we must grant them the space to explore their identities and how they relate to the world. Roy E. Disney of Walt Disney Co. once said, “When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.”

#2 Listen & Negotiate

Some of the best parents I have seen throughout my career as a school counselor have been parents who listen well to their children—the parents who reflect on what their child says and are willing to reassess their stance. 

Reflecting on the story of Ed Choi and his mother’s battle over TV time, one can’t help but wonder what might have happened if she had allowed him to watch but set boundaries and explained why it was important to her. Choi might have expressed his boredom to his mother, and she might have helped him think of an alternative to watching tv or given him a choice about when or what he watched. Very few things in life are absolutes, and updating rules and routines as our children age is essential to their growth.

Parenting is an evolving journey, and no one has all the answers. It’s about finding a balance between setting reasonable boundaries and allowing our children the freedom to explore and make their own choices within those boundaries. By fostering open communication, explaining the reasoning behind our limits, and offering engaging alternatives, we empower our children to develop their decision-making skills and shape their own values.